Back to School

I can't believe how bad I have been at blogging this summer. Now before I even realize it the summer is over and another year of school has started. I have so many mixed emotions about sending Ashten off to 1st grade to be apart from us all day. I feel guilty for wishing this day to come for the last two and a half months. I pretty much started counting down the days for school to get back in session since the doors opened for summer break. I longed to have the luxury of grocery shopping again without all three "helpers".

I now feel like I didn't enjoy the summer break and time with my kids like I could have. We did a lot of fun things throughout the summer, but I didn't really enjoy them like I should have. Many of my days were spent looking forward to nap time and then bed time. Some days it felt like all I could do was count the hours until I could have a break. Recently, I have been struggling a lot with feelings of inadequacy. I was feeling like I just couldn't keep up with all of the demands placed on me by others, and even myself. A lot of my feelings were stemmed from all of the responsibilities of keeping up with all of Traxton's therapy sessions and doctor appointments. We have multiple therapist come to our house throughout the week and I take him to an additional speech therapist. I just have felt like even though we are working so hard with him, I'm still not doing enough. Like I am failing him as his mother. I am his number one advocate, but I am also mainly responsible for whether or not he has success. His progress with speech and language relies on whether or not I take the time, and have the patience, to work with him. Some days we do really well, but others are rough. He gets frustrated really easy when I don't know what he wants and he can't construct a word or phrase to tell me. I admittedly, get frustrated a lot and don't take the time to figure out what he is telling me so he gets upset. Having all this responsibility has been weighing heavily on my shoulders. I have known where these feelings are coming from all along; the only person who wants me to feel like a failure. But even though I have known that, I still have had a hard time getting rid of them. My poor husband who would call to see how our day was going, would end up listening to me break down and cry. Thank you babe for being so loving and understanding. At stake conference on Sunday our stake president spoke, and although I really didn't get a lot out of the meeting thanks to my kids who seemed to have a hard time remembering that we are suppose to whisper in church, I heard one thing that I felt was directed entirely to me. He said that if we look at ourselves the way the Lord does, we will be able to love ourselves more fully and then see the potential in ourselves that the Lord sees. I really needed to hear this to put things in perspective and get out of my depressive state.

So now as I sit here after dropping Ashten off at school to be gone all day, I am seriously missing her and how much help she is to me around the house. Maybe it's because she's the oldest or maybe because she is the only girl, but I get a lot of strength from having her around. I am sad to have that stage of our life over. Ashten will always be a full-time school girl and for now I get to be outnumbered by the boys at home.
Traditional 1st day of school photo.